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  #76  
Old 03-26-2010, 02:44 AM
jaz jaz is offline
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My thoughts, in no particular order.

Part of the reason that the therapists you've seen haven't been helpful has probably been location. If you live(d) in a rural area with few options for services, then you may need to think about moving. Hell, it's not like you're even living in that area if you're on the road, why not sell and buy someplace else or rent? In a more major metropolitan area, you will be able to find people who can help your kids if you look for them. Even if you moved back to the house, you're really not going to help your kids if the services and knowledge they need aren't there.

Congrats on helping your daughter achieve things your previously under educated therapists said would never happen. However, have you considered that her needs are evolving and that you may not know what you need to be working on next? Just because you take the kids in when they have an earache or a broken bone or whatever doesn't mean you are taking care of their health needs. Your daughter is SN. I'm pretty damned sure that with age and every increase in ability, her needs change and evolve - maybe she needs new formula, she def. needs new eqipment, maybe she needs new exercises and therapies - but how would you know? You aren't taking her to the people who would be able to tell you!

If she has a list of doctors that she hasn't seen that she needs to see for her extended and future health and well-being, you're not doing her any favors. I know as a SN mom, you have taught yourself a whole lot of stuff I don't have a clue about. But you cannot replace the knowledge and training of a GI, a Neuro, etc. etc. just because you care. You just can't.

As for help after age three, I don't think you have to put your kids in school to receive therapies from the school district if you actually land in one place, if the therapies are outside of class, and certainly not until age 5. Again, major metro areas are going to have better options and be able to actually provide services. You're going to have a lot more options than just the school district if you stay in one place and are in a metro area. What options do you have right now? YOu. You. oh, and you.

I just think you aren't doing well by anyone in your family to live as you do. If there's the kind of strains on your marriage when you're together, you're right to fear its demise but at what cost? Yes, you're proving a roof and food for your kids, but there's more to raising kids than that. If you're stuck in an environment that isn't doing your kid(s) any favors because of a crappy marriage and a crappy job, where do you draw the line? When you come up against something you just can't help and your daughter or your son suffers from it? Just because you don't want to hear it doesn't mean it isn't a real problem. You're making excuses.

I'm all about not putting your kids ahead of yourself and your marriage at all times if you're meeting their needs and they are otherwise happy and healthy, but in this case I really don't think you are. I'm not talking about toys or space, I don't give a crap about lack of toys and space. I'm talking about durable medical goods that are appropriate for your child's age, size, and needs, I'm talking about specialists, I'm talking about effective therapists and therapies; there must be a million things I'm not thinking of. Your responsibilities to your kids go beyond making sure they are fed and clothed with their immediate and dire medical needs taken care of.

You may need to leave your husband and your marriage to do what needs to be done for your kids. There are moms here who are single parents by choice and by circumstance who are able to meet the needs of their SN kids because they do what needs to be done. Some whose marriages have broken up because of the strains of parenting a SN kids. Burying your head in the sand won't make the issues go away.

I just don't know what to say, otherwise. My kid's SNs are much less severe than your daughter's and we've curtailed our lives and activities to get him the help he needs. We've avoided moving to someplace I actually want to live and buying a house because it would be detrimental to meeting his needs.
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  #77  
Old 03-26-2010, 03:13 AM
crunchymomof3 crunchymomof3 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roxyrocks View Post
I am going to be extremely honest and blunt and I want to forewarn you I am not trying to be a bitch.

It is not health for any child to move ever 3-6 months and a SN child it is going to be even worse. Children need a steady home and environment and living in a different hotel ever couple of months doesn't provide that.

I think you really only have 2 choices.

-move into one place(don't you guys have a house? I thought I read your house was 100% paid for) and make a home for your children. Get your children into the programs they need, and let your DH travel for work.

-All of what I said above and have your DH find a job locally.

I know you said it wont be good for your marriage to be away but it isn't good for your children moving all the time and it probably puts a lot of stress on your marriage all living in a 400sq ft one room hotel.

Sometime the answer to a problem isn't the easiest but sometimes it is the best.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarlysMomma View Post
Cathy, honey....you are making excuses for your DH and not making your children a priority.

You point out your DS is doing better now that he's not in therapy, but any child would have a hard time doing well in therapy when they're seeing someone for a month or 2 at a time, then moving to a new therapist. You're blaming the treatment, when it's the circumstances that are causing it to fail.

I think you already know what you need to do, otherwise you wouldn't have put this thread up. I think you may have been hoping to hear from a lot of people that you're doing the right thing by staying with your DH, but that's not going to happen here.

If there is a house and you two are married, then it's property that has to be split in the event of a divorce.

And to basically accuse you of cheating because his last 2 wives did that (which is what he's doing when if he's telling you he doesn't trust you or lumps you in with them) is no marriage. That is not what marriage is all about. Your DH sounds very selfish and immature.

If there's not good care near your parents, then find a place that's going to be best suited to help you care for your children. Tell your DH that you have found that place and that it's going to cost $X/month to make this work and then take the checkbook and go get an apartment or rent a house or whatever.

YOU may not think you're neglecting them, but in a way you are. Children are supposed to come first....period. You have SN children that need WAY more support than a non-SN child does....I'd be moving heaven & hell to find a place to call home forever.

Your situation is not going to be fun to get out of, but it will take courage and mama-bear like protectiveness to take the hard steps to do what it takes and get your children in the best situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustTara View Post
I'm not here enough to know your exact situation but here is what I do know.

1) There are TONS of services for special needs children after age 3. TONS.
2) Living in hotels across the country is NOT stable and it is NOT conducive to providing a good home life for children.
3) Many men are awesome husbands from day 1. If yours has not been I am sorry for you because I think everyone deserves to be treated well from the onset of a marriage.
4) Never ever say something about your spouse online that you don't want remembered, don't want him to read, and don't want stamped into eternity.
5) Put your kids first.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MooseDon'tWearDiapers View Post
As usual, Kelly nails it on the head.
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Originally Posted by Shopaholic View Post
she's been on today, answering other posts. I'm sure she's read this and is just not going to respond or she's just ignoring it. she doesn't want to hear what she knows is RIGHT. its easier to keep doing wrong b/c its easier. Its sad. her children are suffering for it and there are some setbacks her daughter may have that may set her back for a looong time and that's super sad.
QFT i agree
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  #78  
Old 03-26-2010, 04:23 AM
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Very sad. Anything I could have said has already been said.
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  #79  
Old 03-26-2010, 04:43 AM
LadyLiz LadyLiz is offline
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I actually have something to add. In these two months of having insurance and a steady place, I have gotten more done for my kids future health wise then I did before. Take this as a someone that has been in your shoes and moved forward. You NEED to think of your kids first. That requires them access to reasonable health care. About the house, I would fight him for it serouisly, sounds like he just set it up that way where you could not get it in a divorce.
  #80  
Old 03-30-2010, 12:45 AM
Rowynne Rowynne is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MooseDon'tWearDiapers View Post


I even asked my husband's thoughts on what he would do if we were in this kind of situation. He said there's no way he'd make us move around with him like that. So while he's not perfect, he's at least sensible enough to know that kids need stability.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitty1163 View Post
There are plenty of options after age 3 for services. I know. I've used them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustTara View Post
I'm not here enough to know your exact situation but here is what I do know.

1) There are TONS of services for special needs children after age 3. TONS.
2) Living in hotels across the country is NOT stable and it is NOT conducive to providing a good home life for children.
3) Many men are awesome husbands from day 1. If yours has not been I am sorry for you because I think everyone deserves to be treated well from the onset of a marriage.
4) Never ever say something about your spouse online that you don't want remembered, don't want him to read, and don't want stamped into eternity.
5) Put your kids first.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunflowerKids View Post
Yes, I know, but it sounds like she has no income and not much in the way of assets. In my state (KS), SSI in based on income, assets and disability but once you qualify for SSI you get Medicaid. She'd have to talk to a social worker to see what she can get in her home state.
QFT! My dh is a salaried high school teacher, I am a SAHM and my dd qualifies for the full amount of SSI every month except 2 (dh is salaried & those 2 months have 3 paychecks so it goes down to about $200 those months). She also gets Medical Assistance & another state insurance on TOP of the insurance that the school district has.
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  #81  
Old 04-11-2010, 05:45 PM
CherryPie CherryPie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kitty1163 View Post
There are plenty of options after age 3 for services. I know. I've used them.
I have a child with CP and we too have gotten services after 3. After 3, they are now in the jurisdiction of the public school and can get therapy that way (instead of coming to your home). They can go to a Head Start or a public school with a preschool program and get services. Shriners hospitals are good resources too (they can provide transportation too). They should both be on IEPs at this point too.
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  #82  
Old 04-11-2010, 05:54 PM
CherryPie CherryPie is offline
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Just wanted to add:

Even if you were able to get braces, sometimes we have to go back in to the brace shop to get them tweaked for various reasons. Orthotics people DO NOT touch other orthotic's work, so you would have to get all new braces if you were not near the original place. Insurance only covers new braces every 6 months (I think, maybe a year) so this could be a problem.
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  #83  
Old 04-11-2010, 06:26 PM
MBRL567 MBRL567 is offline
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I wanted to add 2 things:

1) I have BTDT when you swear on your life your kids are happy and healthy- you can fix it.... and then the world crashes down and theres a phone call or knock on the door- you werent "fixing" anything- you were neglecting to see that your child is suffering. (and yes im talking about my DD2- search around, im sure you can find out what im talking about). I think in a way you are doing the same thing, you want so badly to be mommy, therapist, teacher, wife, doctor, but you simply cant. You cant. The consequences when it all falls apart are NOT worth it.
2) Neglect doesnt mean you are leaving them in their room and not paying attention to them all day-- neglect means not giving them care they need/should have-- food/housing/school/medical. There IS a thing of Medical Neglect. Its not being in a nursing home and youre treated like crap or a doc gives you crappy care.

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